listening

today i had a little panic attack because i thought i had forgotten how to read music. i haven't REALLY read music in years - most of what i do these days is nothing, and if i play the piano at all it's usually improvising, playing worship songs with chord sheets, or trying to remember how to play 'tarantella' at breakneck speeds. that middle part is tough to remember. but to think that i had forgotten something that was once such a vital part of me freaked me out a bit...so on my work papers, on top of all of my notes about the documentation i need to write and the usability tests i'm going to go over with my boss tomorrow, i started scribbling treble clefs and bass clefs and trying to remember "every good boy does fine" and all of that critical information. i think i remembered it accurately. but i really should get a piano, or just play one. i miss music. or being a part of making it. i'm jealous of guitar players who can just take it on the road, borrow someone's, grab it around a campfire or at a music store or a friend's house. but i guess it's better the piano than the alto sax or something. you don't find a lot of those lying (laying?) around.

we went on a retreat this weekend with all of our high school students. not all. 70 ish. it was really good. i didn't want to go at all. nothing seemed more tiring, and almost none of the girls in my small group were going...but i went anyway, pretty much because i didn't have any real reason not to except that i wanted to be lazy. so i went anyway, and it was good. i'm exhausted today of course, and i think it made me get a cold, which i hate. but i love talking to kids. i love meeting with the girls in my cabin and asking them questions and just listening. i can't believe the horrible things that happen in these kids' families. parents say awful, awful things to their children. i know i'm not getting the whole story, since i usually don't get to hear the parent's end of it, but telling your daughter that she's fat, or lazy, or stupid, or that she's never going to get married, or that you don't like her, or that she should try not eating for a while, is a lasting, devestating, destructive comment, regardless of context. it's really clear to me that parents are broken people too. talking to these girls makes me realize that there are a lot of broken people in the world, that very few parents have answers and know how to avoid doing damage in their relationships. people are hurt, and they don't know how to deal with it. it's hard to listen to. i had seven one-on-ones with girls on saturday and spent a lot of saturday night talking with them about families, and with the exception of one, there is a lot of lasting hurt there. it doesn't, somehow, just crush me to hear all of that. i know that God is working in these girls, and guys, and i believe that he can heal them and heal their parents. i guess it's because i get to see these kids' hurt but also be with them as they experience joy and friendship and sharing and healing. i wish their parents got to do some of that.

he likes to keep his fire engine clean

for a long time i told anyone who would ask that the beatles were my favorite band, and i meant it. i think i was always somewhat of a fan, but when those anthologies were aired when i was in ninth grade (right?) i was hooked. i bought a whole slew of cds and listened to them all the time. i coveted the white album for months before picking up a copy. it's really funny to me that the first beatles album i ever had in my possession (although i think i borrowed it from autumn at first) was rubber soul. it's not what i'd think of as a starter for a new fan. i love it.

in recent years i've been hesitant to name the beatles as my favorite. i feel like i don't know enough about them, or understand the influence of their music enough, or, frankly, listen to them with the devotion a real fan should have. but i'm currently uploading all of my beatles cds to itunes. and i can't find rubber soul! where IS it? everything vanished during college. i can't find revolver either. but magical mystery tour is playing in the background as i write and it makes me feel good. it makes me feel comfortable and like myself. maybe i should regret that it's not inspiring me to go out and have adventures or smoke pot or create. but i don't feel like i need or want something to make me do those things. feeling like myself is enough. and anyway, wanting to write my first blog post in months probably DOES mean that the beatles inspired me to create. the beatles save the day!