joie

the problem with me and blogging is that oftentimes when i feel like doing it, i am not at home and can't. sometimes i write down my blogs on paper...like at work a few weeks ago, when i wrote the following. i was feeling kind of gloomy. i'm less gloomy now but i still think the same things...and feel them quite a bit sometimes.

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i'm not sure if this is where the quote (paraphrased) is from or not - but i believe it was topher grace's character in the movie in good company who said that we are living our lives at such a pace now that, where people used to have mid-life crises in their actual mid-lives, now we're having them much sooner. it feels true. i'm 26 years old. that is young. and i know it's normal to be figuring out who you are and what you want at this age. but i feel like the questions i have - is corporate life a waste, is money a blessing or a curse - should not be what i'm thinking about, but rather the thoughts of an older generation. i feel like there's a lot of pressure on me from somewhere, and i don't know exactly where that is, to make RESPONSIBLE choices instead of ones based on something meaningful and lasting. maybe the pace of life isn't prompting this so much as it really is me figuring out what i want and what i know about myself - which, so far, seems to be that cubicle life, no matter how nice the cubicle, co-workers, pay, stability, or challenges might be - is zapping me of joie de vivre. because i don't know what the point of doing this is. i can do, and am doing, good work here. it's a billion times better than where i've been. but that doesn't make it satisfying or right, and it does not justify settling. lots of people, MOST people, will never even dream of having a fraction of the opportunities i do. it's wronging me, and them, and God, i think, for me to settle for anything less than the joy of living.