I knew something was weird

How do I know I have too much going on right now? I know because I found out this morning that I have been washing my hair with conditioner instead of shampoo for about a month. I knew something was weird with my hair and it didn't occur to me until this morning to look carefully at the shampoo bottle, only to discover it's not shampoo at all.

brief week of freedom

Brad and I were at Priest Lake for a few days and just got back last night. It was very fun and relaxing and beautiful, and I still feel a little bit like I'm sitting on a gently rocking dock.

We took our dog Emmy with us, and it was pretty fun. It was the first time she'd gotten to come with us on real vacation, and she loved being out in the woods, running up to the very edge of the water but not getting in, and roaming the neighborhood (until a mean neighbor lady yelled at us to "get that dog on a leash!!!"-yikes).

I think Emmy got used to her brief week of freedom. Yesterday, on our way home, we stopped at Priest River for gas. When Brad came back to the driver's side door, Emmy jumped from the back of the car into the front seat. When he opened the door, she leaped out and darted into the convenience store.

Brad went running after her, both of them charging straight through the store and out its back door. I ran around the other side of the building (leaving the car doors wide open with all of our possessions temporarily up for grabs) hoping to cut Emmy off in the parking lot before she headed out into traffic. But, once I reached the back, she had already run back INTO the store. I ran back around to the car, Brad embarrassedly ran back through the store, and Emmy ran up to the car and jumped straight into the driver's seat once again, as if the whole thing had never happened.

satisfactorily uncomfortable

So here's a little life tragedy. A while ago I posted about someone who called here on the phone and asked "Is mama home?" when I answered, which I could only assume meant she thought I had a dainty and childlike voice. I mentioned that I was glad this didn't happen in person.

Well...it happened. There was this financial planner guy passing out information door to door and when I answered ours he said, "Hi! Is your mom or dad home?" I was so embarrassed! I know I look young but jeez. And the thing is, he really was not satisfactorily uncomfortable when I replied, "Actually, I'm the homeowner." He proceeded--far too easily and unabashedly--to make all sorts of small talk that I did not want any part in while my friend Kathleen hid around the corner laughing. Boo. Boo!

Affirmation

I'm at Starbucks doing my "Sunday thing." I say that in quotes not because it's not Sunday--it is--but because I don't have a need for a Sunday thing anymore. I used to go to a coffee shop on Sunday afternoons with a book and my journal because I dreaded going back to work on Monday so much that I started to hate Sundays and needed to escape. I don't dread Mondays now. I don't even work then, or on Fridays. Brad and I slept in on Friday (7:40--look who's living now!), and I went on a very long run, and we went to Costco (glamorous!) and got Frosties on the way home. Life isn't fancy and it's still not all that I want it to be, but there's a sense of freedom and spontaneity that's been lacking since college, minus vacations and weeks spent in Mexico.

I always knew, since my days at Adams Temporaries, that an office environment wasn't for me. I knew since my first month living in Spokane that a set 8-to-5 schedule was wrong for me, that the jam-packed days at Western were full but varied and that it was good for who I am--I loved bouncing between nannying and going to class and writing papers and hanging out with Brad and friends and roommates, going to the INN, playing music--the unpredictable but often familiar rhythm of that life suited me. I wrote and read. I listened. I laughed a lot.

The last five years have been quite good and I have learned a lot about myself--who I am in a new place, what it means to be a wife, who I am in Christ (or at least a little part of that), what some of my strengths are, and what some of my weaknesses are too. I've developed new hobbies--loves, really--and built relationships and learned how much I love being a leader for youth ministry. But much of the last five years has simply confirmed things I've known about myself for a long time. I don't want to work in a corporate environment. I want a flexible schedule. I want to write. I'm organized and productive and can do a lot within a routine, but I'm also deeply creative.

I found some old journal entries from about 3 years ago that list what at the time I considered to be possible future careers: writer, editor, nutritionist, entrepreneur, ministry-related job. Essentially the same list I came up with this year when I decided to get serious about myself future-wise. God has shown me and reminded me, again and again, who I am and what I love and don't love--what makes me more and less myself or, as good old Oprah would say, what makes me my best self. All that's different now is that I'm using that knowledge to decide what to do with my time. Doing that has been surprisingly natural and good.

The very day I started work at First Pres, the end of my brief no-work hiatus, I received an email from the editor of a local publication asking me if I'd be interested in freelancing for them. Brad and I have an ongoing joke about the phrase "It's a God thing", because people often use it in such cheeseball ways, or about such trivial things that I just don't believe God would intercede in--anything from getting out of a traffic ticket to being at Wal-Mart at the very moment a new shipment of Mario Kart arrives. So, I semi jokingly asked Brad if he thought the email from the editor might, in fact, be a God thing--receiving it on the first working day of the new me seemed like more than total coincidence. Brad suggested that it might be better described as an affirmation, which I find really fitting. God has patiently and faithfully reminded me of who I am, and now that I'm taking some risks to become more like that person, he's affirming me, via the email, via the freedom I feel. I did hear his still, small voice over the years, often in myself, and since I heard it in myself I often ignored it. But now that I'm responding, so is God. It's nice.

unemployed

I'm officially unemployed! I just got home from my last-ever day at the bank and it is SO WEIRD I can't even explain it. Who would have thought that leaving this job could leave me feeling so melancholy?

So it's on to the next thing...a couple of days at home, then a trip to Tijuana to build a house, then a few more days at home, then the new job. It's kind of crazy. I don't know how it's going to feel to not have to be anywhere at 8 a.m. anymore. I hope it will feel nice and not just bizarre, which is how it seems right this second.

So I'm off to decide on my first official summertime activity...maybe I'll ride my bike to get some lunch or coffee while I read a book. Or maybe I'll take a nap, or work in the garden, or just lounge around at home, or call a friend...it seems that now, the possibilities are endless.

summertime

In keeping with my love of lists and my upcoming summer of part-time work, I've been thinking of some summer goals. Of course. I love lists of goals. So here they are (thanks, Kathleen, for reminding me of how fun it is to post these).

Start journaling
I used to journal daily and have completely stopped. I have a couple of little notebooks where I jot things down from time to time but I miss real, concentrated journaling. I'm very excited to start this habit again and think it will make me a better person and writer.

Bake bread
I've never baked a slow-rising bread that requires more than one punching-down, and I would like to try it this summer in the early morning hours (the only time it won't be too hot in my house to consider turning on the oven). Something about baking bread seems really soothing to me. We'll see. Maybe I'm romanticizing it.

Keep my garden alive
Every year I plant a garden--vegetables in the back, flowers in the front. Every year I forget to water the vegetables and everything dies except the tomatoes. This year, I want everything to LIVE. Garden, I love you and I want you to live! (Anybody know what that's from?) I'd like to keep the flowers alive too.

Do more yoga
I've started doing some yoga videos and I really like them. They're short and relaxing and encourage me to spend time on things like my desk-warped back and tight hip flexors that I'd normally ignore.

Submit some piece of writing for publication
What piece, you ask? I don't know. What publication, you ask? I don't know. But I'd like to submit something before summer is over. I've got one idea brewing...

Spend time with my middle school girls
There is a rapidly growing number of middle school girls in our youth group, and I want to spend more time with them over the summer. I'm thinking of coffee trips, dessert parties, Bible studies or book groups...who knows? But I'd like to get to know them better and to become more cohesive and supportive as a group.

Sleep
I choose a lot of things before I choose sleep, and maybe it means I get more done in a day but it also makes me grouchy and slug-like on some days (like right this very instant). Sleep is good. And important. I should act like it.

Turn our basement bedroom into my summertime office
I want to turn our guest room into my unofficial "office". There's already a desk there, but the whole room is massively disorganized and undecorated, and I would be way too distracted by its current state to get anything done. So, I'm hoping to spend some time buying paint and putting up shelves. Anybody want to help me? It could be fun....I'll give you some fresh-baked romanticized bread!

Bike more, and swim
I'm going to try to bike places as much as possible instead of driving. This will require a bicycle basket, because I'm not good at hanging onto things like grocery baskets or my purse while riding. I'm barely confident enough to let go with one hand to signal a left turn. I've been mentioning bike baskets to Brad almost constantly. I'd also like to swim this summer--it seems like such a good complement to running, and it's so freaking hot out that submerging my whole self in water is practically a necessity. (By the way--I just learned about two months ago that "compliment" and "complement" are two separate words with two separate meanings! Thanks a lot, English degree.)

Jacob

I'm back! I've been holding off on the blog posts in the midst of my inner turmoil about what to do with my life. I am pleased to say that I have finally made a decision: I'm quitting my job at the bank, starting a new part-time job as the communications coordinator for my church, and going back to school in the fall to get my MFA in creative writing. I'm excited but nervous and more than a little uncertain of what the future holds...but pretty convicted that this is the right thing to be doing.

I actually have written a couple of blog posts that I never published during the last few months, so I'm including one of them below.


***

For the past few weeks my whole self has been a big jumble of worry, anxiety (are those different?), conviction, questions, dread, uncertainty, certainty, and shallow breaths. I'm thinking about quitting my job, a nice, stable, pretty high-paying IT job at a bank, a corporate 8-5 job, a job I've had for 5 years and been promoted through, to start what seems almost like a new life. Working half time for a church as their communications coordinator without medical benefits, for lower pay but great hours, great job, creativity, and a flexible schedule, while I go back to school to get my MFA in creative writing. I feel so....great about that option. It's the flexible schedule I've wanted for years, the creativity I've yearned for, the meaningful purpose behind the workplace I know I'm never going to find at my bank. With the new job I can read and write and edit and highlight ways people can get involved with ministry or connect with each other. With school I can get my masters and learn to be a better writer and take some steps toward future opportunities. But I don't know exactly what those opportunities are and it really really really really scares me.

I'm afraid of what I'll give up when I quit. I feel like I need that paycheck, that the stability it gives is everything, that IT is such a smart place to be right now, that changing careers, at least the way I want to change them, is kind of a step down the economic chain that no American or responsible, budget-weary wife should be willing to make.

But this job does not help me become who I want to be. I want to be happy. I want to be creative. I want to do something that helps people, that uses my skills, that allows me to laugh and learn new things and wear tennis shoes and work from my house or an office or a park bench or a coffee shop or Brad's office. I want to not feel like a sellout.

God has told me very clearly that my job isn't right for me. I understand that it is his Holy Spirit working in me that has given me that conviction, that has been working in me through the internal discontent that's battled for years against the lure of stability. This job isn't right for me. Staying is practical, and smart, and worldly. It's what my parents would do. It's what my boss would do and has done. But for me staying is settling, and making a decision based on fear, and based on the messed up standards of this world we live in instead of what I'm being told by God about myself. When I think about it like that, I know I have to go. I have to take the risk and choose the thing that's scary but right.

I know I'm going to have these anxieties and uncertainties and second-guessings repeatedly over the next few months. I know I'm in many ways wrestling with God right now. But I think those things we really struggle through define us. And if I struggle with this and then make the decision that's right I believe it will mark me and my life, just like when Jacob wrestled with God and came out of it with both a blessing and a limp. God tells him, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome." The fact that I have to struggle to follow through with this decision says a lot about who I am and how I think and what I've been taught is the 'right way' to live. But the struggle is defining--the limp may be there, but the knowledge that I've wrestled with God and with men and yet chosen the thing that is best and bravest and right will be with me, blessing me in my life to come.

I like TV

I like TV. I know there are a lot of people who think that TV is a wasteland and watching it is a shameful waste of time, but I'm not one of them. There are some excellent, well thought out, inspiring/mysterious/hilarious

/true-to-love/heart-pounding/character-driven shows out there that are certainly NOT a waste of my time at all. But I watch too much TV. It's too easy to turn it on when I get home and have it as background noise throughout the evening, to pass several Sunday afternoon hours watching back-to-back episodes of Flip This House or the Barefoot Contessa or America's Next Top Model and end the afternoon feeling like a slug because they have slowly sucked me in, from half-listening in the other room to plopped down on the couch, frantically flipping to something else during the commercials so I don't have to endure one TV-free minute.

So I decided this morning that I should start doing what people sometimes do to stop overeating: I'm going to go to the heart of the problem and address WHY I overeat (in this case, overwatch). Am I bored? Am I lonely? Am I tired? If the reason I watch is for something other than the intrinsic qualities of the show itself, then I am going to turn the TV off. Unless Brad is watching sports, because although that likely does mean I'm feeling bored, lonely, and tired, his sports commitment is out of my hands.

I don't want to be a TV-free minimalist, and I don't want to stop watching the shows I like. But I want to be sure that I'm watching them because they are good in some way, and worthwhile for me at that moment. Maybe instead of Flip That House I'll start tackling some of our house projects, or instead of The Barefoot Contessa I'll start cooking more, or instead of America's Next Top Model, I'll start modeling. Or reading and writing more. There are just too many days where the time flies by and I end them feeling unaccomplished and unsatisfied, and I want to see if paying more attention to what I watch helps me to live a little more and a little better.

one big stir-fry

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I appreciate all of your insights! I'm continuing to research possibilities, talk to people who actually do the things I'm interested in, etc...we'll see what happens.

But in the meantime...I'm practically drowning in produce. I researched a bit about CSAs and signed up to receive a weekly box of produce (the weekly variety box, to be exact) from Fresh Abundance. The first delivery came on Friday and let me tell you...it contains a lot vegetables for a person living in a single vegetable-eater household. Brad has partaken of some lettuce, the avocado, and a couple of tomatoes...but I have spinach, baby bok choi, pea pods, daikon (I don't even know what that IS!), mixed greens, asparagus, two HUGE zucchinis, ginger, scallions, broccoli, and some assorted fruits that I really want to consume before the next delivery comes on Friday. My insides are basically one big stir-fry right now, which is probably not such a bad thing.

You can buy lots and lots of regular (organic) grocery store items from Fresh Abundance, either in the store or online. There are vast amounts of products on the site. However, I have not yet been inside the store itself because, best of all, there is FREE DELIVERY for all purchases $35 or over. I hate going to the grocery store (and there is one literally three houses away from me), so although I'm only on my first week of this new experiment, it might be tough to get me to quit. Free delivery! Can you believe it? It's probably hidden away in the cost of the produce but I don't even care. Maybe I'm going to turn into a locavore on top of everything else...I'm so of-the-moment. Anyhow, I'm planning to write up a little article going into more details on my produce extravaganza, and perhaps a recipe or two, so I'm sure there is more to come on this topic.

basket case

As noted in my New Year's resolution post...I really want this to be the year when I figure out what I want to do for a career. Some might say that I have a career already, which is true, but it's ultimately not the career I want. I've started to feel a pretty big sense of urgency to quit being complacent and start really, seriously considering what I'm interested in and then do what I have to do-go back to school, start saving money, sell all my possessions and move to Disneyland...whatever.

I'm really starting to feel overwhelmed with possibilities, because I have a lot of interests, I take to things quickly, and I have a hard time distinguishing what is best kept as a hobby or volunteer work from what would be a good career. Some contenders include writer, editor, entrepreneur with some kind of food-based business like a coffee shop, entrepreneur with some other kind of job, dietitian, teacher of some sort, counselor of some sort, ministry job, or non-profit work.

I'm seriously looking into my options right now as far as writing, editing, and the dietitian thing go. But I would appreciate any insights anyone has for me. Do you do something you love, or are you in school for something now? What is it, and how did you make your decision on what to pursue? Is there something you can really see me doing that you would like to share? Did anyone recently have a prophetic dream about my future that is the answer to all of my problems?

I want to be very diligent about figuring this out, but I have several shortcomings that make this difficult. For starters, I don't like to try things I won't succeed in. Also, I worry too much. Plus, I try to make responsible choices, sometimes at the expense of pursuing my passions. So...I hope I'll figure some things out soon without becoming a basket case in the process. We will see.

tell me this

I have been home sick with aches/chills/fever/sore throat/congestion/etc. all week. I finally went to the doctor today and got some antibiotics since it appears whatever virus I had originally has become an upper respiratory infection of sorts. I'm hoping to go back to work tomorrow, which is kind of shocking, because I always think not going to work is better than going...but I've learned that, despite my previously held beliefs to the contrary, The Today Show is best viewed irregularly, my couch DOES get uncomfortable after a 72-hour sit-in, and my poor dog is exhausted from having to "nurse" me (basically, just check on me whenever I move, or stand, or groan in discomfort). A few other things I've learned:

No more "Quil"s
I will no longer be taking full doses of anything that ends in "Quil". NyQuil, DayQuil, knockoff generic DayQuil--that means you. I spent the first several hours this morning trying to get over the NyQuil-induced grogginess that lingered from the dose I took last night at 10. Then, I took DayQuil and spent the whole next SIX HOURS in a foggy, dizzy, almost-fainty haze--although I was not feverish or stuffy. But should I have to trade my ability to think coherently and stand steadily for clear nasal passages? No thanks.

I hate 'The View'
The View is a horrible show, and I don't want to listen to those ladies banter anymore. I do like Whoopi Goldberg for hosting in a sweatshirt yesterday.

Tea can be good
I don't really like tea. Not at all. Every so often I make a vow to try to start liking it because I know it's good for me and so many people swear by tea. But I always end up turning away from tea in the end, because it just doesn't taste good enough to be worth it. But, the combination of my intensely sore throat and the wonderful blend of tea my friend Janeen offered me last night may have finally done it--the tea was some sort of caffeine-free spearmint/peppermint/citrus/something and it was SO GOOD and wonderfully soothing. I even asked Brad to go buy me more last night. Once the sore throat goes the tea might too...but it stands a chance this time.

Staying home by yourself is boring
Maybe everyone else knows this already. I always look forward to time home alone, because I'm a private person and an introvert and time alone refreshes me. Plus, there are plenty of things I don't like trying to get done when other people are here. Like cleaning. Or eating things that contain vegetables. But when you're home alone and you are sick, that is a different story. I have been bored out of my brains, ready to blow up the TV and my couch, but unable to because of the aforementioned dizzy aches. I am ready to interact with the world again.

So tell me this: what are your favorite things to do when you're home sick? What kind of tea do you like, and what would you recommend for me? (note: I think I really like minty teas) What do you find lovable about Joy Behar?

What am I doing?!

I am normally a pretty big fan of the snow, and I love it that Spokane has four distinct seasons--it's one of my favorite things about living here. But the weather is gray again today, and we got another inch of snow a couple of days ago, and the old snow still isn't gone yet but instead is constantly oscillating between melt and re-freeze. Yuck.

I have fallen three times in the last month, all on Wednesdays. The first time I can't really blame on the snow, although right now I would like to be able to. I was running on the treadmill at the gym and I wanted to adjust the fan. But I hate stopping and restarting the treadmill, so what I always do is lift myself up with my arms, put my feet on the edges of the treadmill so that they're no longer on the actual conveyor, and then jump off. No problem. Then I do whatever it is I got off for, like have a drink of water, tie my shoe, move a fan, etc., and jump back on the same way.

Well, I got off the treadmill without incident, and adjusted the fan, but then it was like my whole mind went completely blank (and stupid) and the next thing I remember, my foot is just inches away from stepping directly on the moving treadmill--I'm trying to get on it the same way I would if the conveyor were motionless. I had one split second to think, "What am I doing?! I am going to fall! This is so stupid!" and then I did. One foot down, one huge fall off the back of the treadmill, three undesirable spectators, and two huge gashes of skin missing. I didn't get very hurt, but I think I might get out of this with two nice scars. It must have looked so funny, because it really was just the stupidest thing in the world. It clearly wasn't a balance issue, a speed issue, or any of the other things that contribute to most falls off treadmills (and that, in fact, contributed when I fell off once before...), just pure unadulterated idiocy.

Two Wednesdays later, I fell in a parking lot after youth group. I was just walking to the car, not taking any foolish chances, and then I was lying on the ground. I think I escaped that one without a single scrape or injury though, and only had two witnesses that time.

But then...I fell when I was running last week. There's a foot bridge that goes over Hamilton and I run over it quite a bit. I was out for a run with someone I work with and two guys she is friends with who I don't really know. Going over this bridge right now means essentially running down a hill covered in a sheet of ice, so we had just slowed down to walk, and then, right at the very moment I started walking instead of running, down I went. Five witnesses this time: the three people I was running with, plus a homeless man WHO HAD ALSO FALLEN right there and was still lying on the ground, plus the EMT who was there to rescue him!

The fortunate thing for me is that I have been able to get back up on my feet and soldier on after each of my embarrassing falls, because the only thing that has been really hurt is my pride. I have seen other falls though...one particularly funny/tragic one about two weeks ago. A large middle-aged lady and what looked to be her much smaller but equally middle-aged spouse were crossing the street downtown, and they walked onto one of those vast sheets of ice that you can never get any traction on. So the lady goes down, and she's frantically reaching out to her husband to try to catch her balance, and she drags him down with her. So there they are, both lying flat on the sheet of ice He manages to get up, and he's trying to help her, but she can't move! And since she can't get her feet down on anything that's not icy, he starts DRAGGING her across the sheet of ice to a clearer part of the sidewalk. She didn't seem to be hurt at all so it was mostly just a tragically comedic moment for me...one I think I deserved after all of the fall-related entertainment I've been providing others with recently.

(Note: I've also fallen twice in Albertsons, but those falls weren't on Wednesdays and were more than a month ago so I'm not going to share those embarrassing details here.)

caucus today

I am going to caucus today for the first time ever and I'm a little nervous about it! But excited. Obama '08, right everybody? I'm preparing myself by drinking about 12 cups of coffee. We had a sleepover at our house with Autumn and Ross last night and Brad made a whole bunch of coffee this morning, but no one drank much of it so I'm making up the difference. Also, I'm going to run to the caucus, which I think is funny. We're pretty much down to one car, which Brad has to take to work today, because Brad's red Nissan is lost, lost, lost in the snow--it's almost invisible, totally covered in snow, actually, and plowed in, and even if it wasn't it does not drive well in the icy, snowy winter at all. Our caucus location is only two miles away so running seemed like a good alternative mode of transportation. So there I will be at 1:00 today at Ferris High School, sweaty, jittery, and probably mildly to moderately confused. But excited about an election and a candidate for the first time in my life.

uncle frank

and on the dawn of february...i do have some resolutions for 2008.

spend time writing more than once a week
originally i thought maybe i should commit to doing this every day, but that is simply too much for me to handle right now. writing includes blogs, journal entries, MFA writing samples, and myriad other possibilities...but does NOT include emails. because that would be the lazy man's way.

focus on ways i can be optimistic
in 'home alone', kevin mccallister's dad tells uncle frank, when it seems "WE SLEPT IN!" and are probably all going to miss the flight to paris, "think positive!" the curmudgeonly frank replies, "you think positive, i'll be realistic." i think i have more than i want of that uncle frank attitude within me. i'm a very practical person and i think that to maintain practicality i tend to neglect optimism...which ultimately leads to pessimism. i want to think more about what's possible and how to make the good things happen instead of looking for reasons why they can't.

pray in the mornings while i walk the dog
there. so much more specific than last year's "pray more". this is something i can work on. and i walk emmy every day, so i really have no excuse not to follow through with this.

and in related news--pray for my husband and my marriage every day
perhaps i should do this on my morning walk!

figure out what i'm supposed to do for work
i feel really overwhelmed with possibilities and interests and absolutely uncertain of what path to pursue. i really hate it. i want to do something i love and am passionate and excited about, that benefits me and others and that uses my intelligence and gifts. but i'm kind of lost right now and i really really really want this to be the year that i figure out what direction to move in...however slowly.

start doing exercises to strengthen my back
my poor, neglected back. the abs get all the glory and it's just not fair. or right. back, it's your time to shine!

re-read my list of 2008 resolutions before 2009
if history is any indication, i'll forget a few of these bad boys before next year.

phone call

i just received a phone call from the arc of spokane. they collect clothing and household items and provide services for the developmentally disabled. there are a lot of things i want to donate to them so i was really glad to see their name on the caller ID. but the mood turned from childlike excitement to pure childishness when, after i answered, the nice old lady on the phone asked, "is mama home?"

hmmm...all i could really do what a) be extremely grateful that this didn't happen during a face-to-face encounter at my front door and b) embarrassedly reply, "this is."

ahh, youth.

this happened!

all this week i've been trying to decide on what new year's resolutions i want to try for in 2008. i've gotten the list down to a few finalists but i'm still not ready to post them. but i thought i'd look at how things went for 2007. the resolutions were...

run 1000 miles
i did it! this happened! i tracked my mileage for most of the year with nike+. it broke in the fall but i totaled my pretty darn close to exact estimated mileage and i ran about 1332 miles last year! i'm pleased.

start wearing face lotion that contains sunscreen
i did this! i'm pleased again! i got this lotion i like quite a bit. it is clean and clear oil-free oxygenating ultra-light moisturizer spf 15. i like it so much that i wear it every day without even thinking about it. i also bought a body lotion with spf 15 that i like quite a bit too - vaseline intensive care daily skin shield. neither lotion is smelly or greasy.

pray more
oh my. when i first wrote down that resolution i made a note that it was written in a vague, immeasurable way, which is so true that i have no idea how to figure out if the goal was accomplished. i don't think i prayed ENOUGH. but i may have prayed more than in 2006. hmmm.

worry less
again...the vagueness. actually, i think i did worry less about some of the things that i used to be overly concerned about, like money. so that's good. and we've made up our minds more about who and what to give money TO, so that is also good. A+.

keep in better touch with friends
i feel pretty good about this. it doesn't hurt that i got to see lots of friends over the holidays, or that we just sent out and received a bunch of christmas cards so i feel extra connected to people right now. either way, i'll take it.

a perfect storm

as i get older i've been trying to dress a little better. i wish i could say i had found my elusive "personal style", but at this point i'm mostly trying to wear things that fit and flatter me. i try not to buy things that are too trendy or too, shall we say, cutesy, mostly because i am one of the youngest people at my work and don't want to emphasize my babyness, and also as someone who works with teenagers i don't want to look exactly like a kid in my non-work hours either.

but this morning i had an incident. a perfect storm, if you will. i was wearing a pale green puffy coat (a child's coat with fake fur trim....oh my), fake costco uggs (with my pants tucked into them! but that really is the best way to go in the snow) AND a white snow hat with a ball on top. it was 6:45 am and i was going out to walk the dog, and it was still dark, and i broke one of my cardinal rules, which is that i simply am not allowed to ever wear the hat and coat in combination, because i really don't know what could be cutesier or trendier. i was sure i would see no one. but of course my neighbor was outside leaving for work and wanted to have a conversation. he was like, "is my baby keeping you up at night when he cries?" and i was like, "no - are you secretly cringing because of my outfit? do i make you want to die inside?"

even worse was a couple of weeks ago when i wore the puffy-coat-and-faux-uggs-tucked-into-pants ensemble on a very brief trip to albersons when i ran into about 10 former high school students who were oh so cool and buying cigarettes. i was so embarrassed. also, i had been crying, for undisclosed reasons, right until the point of entering the store. it was a perfect night.

so the rule is: hat and coat=not okay. hat and boots=okay. coat and boots=okay outside, not okay at albertsons.

something something but...

is it just me? i know a lot of nice people, and people who do the right thing and are kind and are generous and forgiving and all of those good things. and here's something i hear a lot when they're talking about other people:

"i love her, but..." "i like him a lot, but..." "his mom is great and i love her, but..." "don't get me wrong, i love him to death, but..." "she's super nice but..."

i think all of these "something something buts" are actually us nice people saying, "i'm really nice, but still i have to say..." and "you know i'm not a judgmental jerk but i want you to know..." and "you know me, i'm a good person, but..."

i do this myself sometimes and i think it's kind of stupid. i'm going to try not to qualify my comments with a "please like me anyway, but..." maybe it's better to say what you think and let it stand for itself or just keep it to yourself to begin with.